Well, Ben talked to the engineer guy on Thursday. The engineer says that he isn't sure he wants to go through the expense and time to train Ben if he will be gone in a year. If I was Ben, I would have said, "I will commit to you! Bring me on to your company! I will be with you for five years!!" Instead, Ben said, "I understand. Maybe you could have me do some different things for your company..." And the guy said, "Well, I'll think about it. Call me on Monday." I don't think things are going to work out with this guy.
I was, understandably, upset about how this went down. Ben and I differ on how he should be going about finding employment. I think he's looking for the Perfect Job, and I think that, right now, it doesn't exist. Ben told me he would want to shoot himself in the face every day if he had to do engineering work. And I told him that everyone wants to shoot themselves in the face every day when they get up to go to work. I don't know many people that adore their jobs. If I was him, I would take this job and run with it until the economy picks up. The economy could pick up in a year or ten years - we don't know. This job could have benefits, or pay enough for me to be at home with my kids, where I belong.
I'm just having a really hard time. I have okay days and I have low days, and today is obviously a low day. If I was Ben, I would be working like three jobs so my wife could be at home with our kids. And I would look for a "real" job while working the three dinky jobs. It's just something I really believe in, that I need to be at home with my kids. But I don't think Ben agrees. I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to do. Is working, and pursuing getting a job teaching, enabling him? Or is it being a partner with him? It's a fine line, and I can't figure out what to do.
And am I acting Entitled? I don't want to be acting with a sense of entitlement. You know, like those teenaged kids who are like, "Um, I deserve to have a cell phone with unlimited minutes and a brand new car that my parents gas up and pay insurance for." Am I acting entitled??
When Ben told me about that phone call on Thursday, I went jogging out in the freezing wind. I just needed to get away. Punishing my body physically actually felt strangely good. Like the outside was matching what I've been feeling on the inside.
Thanks for listening.
8 comments:
I'm sorry Karlenn. This must really stink for you. Have you talked to your husband? Does he know how this is making you feel? He probably does- right? I'm sorry :(
I don't think you are acting entitled. You want a good thing. Life never seems to turn out the way we want, huh? Sometimes it's better than we imagined, sometimes worse. Thanks for sharing.
Hang in there. I hope your day gets better.
Kar-
I am SO sorry. I don't think you are acting entitled at all. Wanting to be home with your kids is not a selfish thing - I think everyone has their own viewpoint on if a Mom should work, but I feel the same way you do. Maybe Ben just needs to know how important that is to you. I hope things turn around for you soon! You will be in my prayers.
The ONLY good thing about "low days" is how great they make the "middle ground" days feel when they finally roll around. I hope that your better days arrive soon, and I will keep your family in my prayers.
Kar,
Hang in there.
It is tough when we are not where we want to be or doing what we want to do.
Hang in there...suport each other and this too will pass.
ok, your blog is not supposed to make me cry. I have been having the same struggles, as you probably know. It has been super hard for me to work these past few months and everyday I prayed that my husband would feel the same need that I had that I need to be home with our kids.
He actually did feel that. He knew that the whole time but he just felt helpless and didn't know what else to do. Come to find out that he had been praying for a way for me to be home to, he has been feeling so guilty.
I believe that what you want is a righteous desire and that the Lord will grant that. Unfortunately it is not in our time but his. I had to learn that the hard way and have been kicking and screaming (inside) the whole time.
This is my last full time week and I am so thankful that I will be home. (through march I am continuing part time until they find someone - I gave them a month's notice but....) Unfortunately we have not really resolved our financial woes but are hoping our tax refund will float us until we can figure it out. Here is to righteous desires working out!
Sorry Karlenn!! It would be really frustrating to think something could work out in your favor and then get told no! I hope Ben can find something soon so you can be back at home with the kids!! Tell Ben to get a job at walmart! LOL
So, I would do an ultimatum-tell him you'll work at Dad's until the end of tax season, and he needs to find something by then to make up the difference plus some (didn't his dad pay your insurance or something last month?). And just do it. And if you guys have struggles, then he'll know it's because it's his bad.
Oh my sweet Kar, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Have you prayed about what is best for your family? I think therin lies the answer, and if you don't get a definite answer follow your gut! I would just die if I had to leave my babies to go to work, again. As far as entiltlement goes, I think you are entitled to stay home too. After all you went through 3 horrible pregnancies, gave birth 3 times, nursed and fed and diapered these kids. Heck you are entitled to get to raise them not just see them in the evenings! But of course you and Ben must make these decisions for yourselves, and sometimes we don't get what we are entitled to. I will keep praying for you, and I hope that your low days come far and few between.
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