The Naughty Boys Era

The other day, Sadie was taunting Dylan about something or other, and he started screaming, like a little girl. I walked into their room and said, "What is going on? Why are you screaming??" Dylan told me why (it was something stupid, like she pretended she was going to take his toy, or something), and then he smiled and said, "Mom, I was screaming like a bitch."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA????????

"What did you just say?"

"I was screaming like a bitch."

Now, I'll be the first to admit that my mouth isn't the cleanest. Sometimes the s-word or d-word slips out when I fall or stub my toe or drop something fragile. Which is often. But I seriously don't use the b-word. It just... doesn't come naturally, I guess. Like flipping people off. I can't ever get my fingers working in time to do it. I'm not a flipper-offer.

"Dylie, where did you learn that word?"

"At school."

So I told him how we don't use that word; that it's a mean word that you say to girls, and that it means that you are calling them dogs. He actually thought that part was pretty funny. But whatever.

I decided Dylan and Sadie needed some time apart, so I had Dylie get out his homework so we could get that done. While he was reading his book (this was before the jumping-jacks idea my mom so ingeniously thought up), he was swinging himself against the table. His hands were on the table, arms straight, and his legs were hanging. And then he was gently bumping his legs against the table. Like I said, Dyls is a wiggler. Well, I guess he bumped something else at one point, because he collapsed on the floor, doing that little whimper of his that sounds like a giggle.

"Did you hit your private part, Dyls?"

"Ohhhhhhh my weiner. Myweinermyweinermyweiner."

That is another word I don't really use. Weiner. I don't like it. I think it sounds gross.

"Dyls, where did you learn that word?"

"At school."

I told him that weiner isn't necessarily a naughty word, but that I'd rather him call it his private part or his pee-pee.

Little boys are naughty. I remember how naughty the boys were in my elementary school. They used words like weiner all the time. And looked up certain words in the dictionary in the library. And told each other naughty stories.

My mom used to baby-sit a couple of little boys - one was two years younger than me, and the other was three years younger, I think. The one two years younger than me - let's call him Biff - was SO NAUGHTY. Always swearing. Doing naughty things. One day, he came up to me and said, "Oh my gosh, my finger smells so good. Smell it." So I leaned over and smelled his finger, and it smelled like butt. I think he had wiped his finger on his butt or something, and then I smelled it. It was so gross.

When I was in the sixth grade, our backpacks hung outside our classroom, right above a heating vent. This kid - let's call him Dan - had left his watercolors in his backpack, and when he went to get his lunch, they had softened. He stuck his finger in the brown color, then came up to me and pretended to wipe his butt, and then showed me his finger, which was covered with brown soft stuff, the consistency of you-know-what. Ew.

It looks like Dylan is already entering the Naughty Boys Era of his life. Let the fun begin.