Xena is NOT a warrior princess.

This is my friend, Megs', new dog, Nemo:

He is a lover. He just loves to sit with people and cuddle. So gentle. So sweet. The perfect dog, in my mind.

So, when Megs called and asked if we could baby-sit him for a week, I said you bet! Yes, I have a cat, but dude, Nemo is so melllllllllooooooooowwwwwwww. I really didn't think there would be an issue there.

I was wrong.

Shall I tell you the tale?

So Mark and Megs bring Nemo over on Friday morning. They go through how much he eats, how he needs me to give him ear medicine, etc. Xena came in at one point, and Nemo was like, "What the...."

The two of them got into a staring contest on my stairs. I should call it a "stairing contest." Because of the whole stairs thing. Megs tried to capture Nemo's attention to say goodbye, but it wasn't happening. There was intense staring to do. I figured they would get used to each other in a little while, and I shooed Mark and Megs out the door for a week of California fun.

Somehow, the staring contest moved from the stairs to the living room. Nemo still wasn't sure what to make of Xena, and she was hissing away. She got up onto a high shelf in my living room, and they stared for another like 20 minutes. I tried to get Nemo's attention - "Come on, Nemo! Let's go OUTSIDE!! Look, Nemo! A ball! A BALL! Let's go play with the ball!" Nothing doing. I shrugged and went into the kitchen to do some dishes.

As soon as I got into the kitchen, I heard it. The sound of frantic, nails-digging-into-carpet sprinting. I ran into the living room, and there was Nemo, chasing Xena. Hard core. They were running around and around our furniture in huge circles. They were going sooo FAST. So I gave chase, which I'm sure was ridiculous-looking, considering my considerable belly. Nemo cornered Xena by my strollers. She was literally trying (unsuccessfully) to climb the wall. She obviously fell right down, and CHOMP! Nemo had her by the throat. I was like six feet away when I saw the CHOMP, so I did this flying leap into the air, tackling Nemo when I landed. (I still can't believe I moved that fast. Or that a flying tackle didn't hurt me. Chalk it up to adrenaline.) I pulled his jaws apart, and Xena ran away. I wanted to make sure she found a good hiding spot before I released Nemo, so he and I just lay there, panting. Pant, pant, pant.

I let him go, and he started just strutting around, like, "Aw yeah, I am the BOMB. I just rid the house of that pesky cat! Aren't you proud of me?" His little knobby tail was waggling so fast. He was literally prancing. It was hilarious.

Micah was screaming in terror. I picked him up, and he wouldn't let me put him down again. So I stuck him in his high chair and called Megs.

"Um, Megs? Yeah... I'm not sure this is going to work out..."

Mark came over ten minutes later and picked Nemo up. I was hoping they could find another baby-sitter for Nemo, but they couldn't! So they canceled their entire trip! I feel entirely responsible. Instead of San Diego, they're stuck here, doing the same old crap. Guilt is flowing through me.

As for Xena, she somehow got into this teeny, teeny crevice that leads to the space underneath our stairs. I swear it's like a two-inch crevice. But she got in there. I tried to coax her out, but she didn't emerge for about an hour. She was covered in dust and cobwebs. Her tail was still bottled out, and the hairs on the ridge of her back were still standing on end. She made a beeline for the door, and I obligingly let her out. She refused to come in for the rest of the day. At one point, I picked her up and showed her around - "See, Xene? No dogs. You're good." She didn't believe me. She only came in a couple of times yesterday, but today, she seems back to normal. Poor thing. It was a leetle traumatic for her.

I guess all of those Tom and Jerry cartoons ring true - dogs chase cats. Unless they're weird, like my mom's dog, Daisy. She is like a cat herself, so she doesn't count.

Dear Nemo,

I am still your biggest fan. I was looking forward to having a fun cuddle week with you. I guess I'm going to have to come visit more often to get my Nemo loves.

Love, Kar

Dear Megs,

Are you mad? I'm so sorry! If I had known that Nemo was like a trained mercenary around cats, I wouldn't have committed to watching him! I suck. And now you're not going on vacation, because of me. :(

Kar