Monday, August 26, 2013

An Awkward Offer

Ahhhhh, my 86-year-old neighbor.  He cracks me up.  Love him.  If I ever go out to do yardwork, I have to factor in an extra half an hour, because he will inevitably amble over to gossip or show me his newest injuries (the man is always hurting his arm).  And I really don't mind it.  I know he needs the companionship, and honestly, so do I.  I'm potty-training Gage right now, and it's nice to talk about something besides pee, poop, potty, toilet, etc.

So a couple of days ago, he says, "You seem stressed.  Are you okay?"  So I told him all about my little...psychiatric issues... and he told me that "the wife" (he never refers to his wife by name.  I just barely found out her name, after six years of just knowing her as "the wife") had struggles after her hysterectomy, and he was sympathetic.  Which made me want to hug him.

A hilarious exchange ensued:

Nephi:  You know what would help you that I have?  A vibrator!

Me:  I...wait.  What?

Nephi:  A vibrator!  That will help with your stress so much!

Me:  Um...I've heard that, vibrators, do relieve pent up...stress...

Nephi:  Oh yeah.  I used to have one in my barber shop.  I had one customer who would only come over for the vibrator.

Me:  I...wait.  What?

Nephi:  Yeah, he used to love to sit in that thing, and it would massage his back and emit heat and help him so much.

Me:  Ohhhhh!!!  A massager!!

Nephi:  Yep, a vibrator.  Do you want to borrow it?

Me:  Yeah, sure!  Sure!

Hahahaha!  So he brought the thing over, and he told me that it's still 44 years old but works as if it was made yesterday.  It was still in its original Art Deco-type box.  It's nice, I guess.  Not as nice as those ones you can get that actually kind of rub your neck or whatever.  I like to just put the heat on and lie on it.  He wanted us to borrow it for a couple of weeks.  It felt really good to lie on today when I got this horrible cold and my entire body ached.  It smelled a little bit like Old Person House, but I didn't care.

Kay, now don't you guys in my ward even say one little thing to Nephi about calling a massager a vibrator.  I'm sure that poor man doesn't even know what a vibrator is.  Got it?  Plus, Nephi is extremely sensitive.  I don't want to hurt his little feelings.  I just thought this was a cute little story about him.  I love that man like he's my own grandpa.  So let's keep this on the down low.


Mindy H. said...

I love your neighbor! He is such a sweet guy.

I also love this stinkin' funny! Thanks for sharing!

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