So. I spend a lot of time on the couch. We've established this. It comes with the territory. The territory of chemo. This territory should never apply for statehood. It's not good enough to be a state. It's a wild west, vigilante kind of desolate place.
Anyways, I end up watching a whole lot of really stupid kids' shows. My personal top worst kids' show is Caillou. He is such a WHINER!! And I know he's voiced by some adult woman who just talks whiney and thinks she can pass as a little preschooler by doing that. Not. Caillou is a selfish punk. Even though his name is cool. But cool names do not necessarily a cool person make.
Narrator: Caillou felt jealous. He wanted his daddy to only pay attention to him, not to any of the other children on Caillou's baseball team.
Caillou: Daddeeeeeeeee, I know you're the coach and all, but...I'm jealoussssssss!!!!! Wahhhhhhhhh...
Even the lyrics of the theme song refer to his naughtiness: "Growing up isn't so tough, except when I've had enough...."
Aw, you've had enough of your carefree life? Your endless stream of snacks? Not having to work?
Can't stand that kid.
Though I do need to give the animators of Caillou props for making his mom look like a real mom. She's got a spare tire. Because she has borne children. Reality. It's refreshing.
So now that there are some good Christmas shows on TV, and because Micah is the Holiday Man, I can usually talk him into switching from Horrible Caillou or Stupid Johnny Test (another hated cartoon of mine - "Hi! I'm Johnny! I'm selfish and use people and think it's funny to get crappy grades and play video games with my talking dog all day!" *Shudder*) to a good kids' Christmas movie.
He's a huge fan of any rendition of A Christmas Carol. He hasn't seen that one from the eighties with the weird, scary Gollum-like creatures that hang out under the Ghost of Christmas Present's fluffy robe. Have you seen that one??? *Shudder*
So Home Alone was on the other night. He was like, "It's not a cartoon. I don't want to watch it."
I was like, "Babe, this show is seriously hilarious. You'll love it. I promise." He said okay, and we snuggled in to watch.
As the danger to MacCauley Culkin increased with these menacing robbers casing his house, Micah started getting really agitated. "Mom, I changed my mind. I don't want to watch this. I'm weally scared. Can we watch something else???" He started pacing and looking around for the remote.
"Oh, sweet, don't worry. I've watched this show a ton. Those guys don't lay a finger on him. He is so smart. He is going to kick their butts. And it is really funny when he does."
"But why isn't his mommy there yet??"
"She's getting there as fast as she can. Don't you worry. And he has that nice guy next door with the beard that he can hang out with if he's scared."
Brow furrowed, he snuggled back in with me. There were a couple of more times that he didn't think he could handle it, but ultimately, the blowtorch to the head, the iron to the face, the tar on the feet...he was giggling.
"You were wight, Mom! This show is funny!"
Then we pulled out A Christmas Story to watch. Looooooooooove that movieeeee!!! Micah had been playing a game on the iPad, but he eventually lost interest. As he should. Because this movie is the greatest.
But during that part when Ralphie just loses it, tackles Scott Farkus, and starts beating the crap out of him, Micah freaked out. He started BAWLING. He ran toward the TV, put both hands up to it, and shook them back and forth. Then he turned around and blocked our view of the movie with his body, weeping and frantically searching the room for the remote.
"No! NO!! I can't watch this show anymore! This is so scary!!!! I can't! I can't!!"
"Oh, kiddo, come here," I said.
He ran into my arms and tried to bury his face in my rock-solid weird boobs. I rubbed his back.
"Are you scared because Ralphie beat up Scott Farkus?"
"But don't you remember all the times Scott Farkus hurt Ralphie and his friends?"
A pause. "Yes."
"That didn't bother you."
"Well, it did. It just wasn't as scary."
"Well, Ralphie was so tired of that, and he was so sad that he wasn't going to get that special gun for Christmas, and he just kind of...burst. But look at Scott Farkus now - he got a little bloody nose, but he's not crying anymore. And now he knows what it feels like to get beat up."
"And I'll bet he'll stop bothering Ralphie and his friends from now on, huh? Look, I'm not saying that it was okay for Ralphie to fight Scott Farkus. What do you think he should have done instead?"
"I don't know."
"Tell his mommy, that's what!!! Tell his teacher! Tell his daddy! If anyone ever tries to hurt you at school or on the way to school, don't be like Ralphie, okay? Tell me or daddy or your teacher or the counselor or the principal. That way, nobody gets bloody noses."
It surprises me how tender this little man is. Very, very sensitive. It makes me feel badly. I feel like I'm extremely careful about what I let my kids watch, and I thought I was playing it so safely...
By the way, at the end of Home Alone, where Macauley Culkin and his mom see each other at the base of the stairs and run and hug each other, I bawled like a baby. It just...I don't know. Macauley Culkin has these really big red lips, like my little Gagey. And Gagey and I have been apart, and it's just been so awful, and I get to see him in two days!! And I hope his face looks like Macauley's face does when I see him. I can't wait to hug and hug and hug him. My little man. Back with me again. I can't WAIT!!