Soooo, if you have plans to watch How I Met Your Mother, or as Ben and I call it, HIMYM, you'd better not read this post, because it will be a major spoiler.
And I cried for like an hour afterward.
I've kept it together pretty well these past few months, so for a series finale to make me cry, nay, even a comedy series finale, I surprised myself. First off, may I just list my beefs with the finale? If you haven't watched this, you'll find it boring. But it does lead in to why I started crying. You may scroll down if you need:
1) Barney and Robin divorce after only three years??? After alllll that leadup? And this beautiful wedding that they had? And all the amazing things they did to surprise each other? And they were both so good for each other! (a.k.a. They were both totally selfish.)
2) And Robin gets all busy with her job and doesn't hang out with her friends anymore? Even when Lily stood there crying in her Moby Dick Halloween costume, all cute with her pregnant belly???
3) Here's my biggest beef. The thing that made me cry. Ted spends TEN YEARS searching for his soulmate. So much heartache. So much loneliness. Such hard breakups. Ten. Years. And then he FINALLY meets The One. And she is so fantastic! She plays base guitar! She works to end poverty! She makes English muffins sing, like puppets! She totally fits in with Ted's friends! She is the mother of his children!
And then she dies, ten years into their relationship/marriage? She dies?? This light in Ted's life, his soulmate, the mother of his children? Dies? So that the writers can make this big arc come back full circle and he is free to finally date Robin? Because, conveniently, she's single now, since she and Barney divorced? What about Ted's wife? The unselfish one? The one that wanted to be with him from the get-go???
I cried because this girl died. I mean look at me. I can't even remember her name. But here's the thing: she is more significant than for me to not know her name. She is more significant than only being in Ted's life for ten years. It's bad enough that her boyfriend, who she really thought was the one, died when she was 21. But for her to finally find love again, but then be taken away at the age of 39?? (Yes, I calculated it.)
It's not fair. She didn't get a fair shake.
And I'm scared of dying.
No, that's not it. I'm not scared to die. I just don't want to yet. I want to be an old granny. Like 80 or 85 maybe.
The thing is, I'm trying to ignore this...bump...on my mastectomy scar. And I've done pretty well so far. But when What's-Her-Name died when she had young children... It was staring me right in the face. So I cried and cried. Ben held me, and I sobbed and told him that I don't want to die! I like to pretend that cancer is completely behind me, but until I've gone the perfunctory... three years? Five years? I don't know what it is, even. But until I've gone that amount of time without any traces of cancer, I don't know how easily I'll rest.
I suppose this is premature scanxiety. I won't start scans to see if cancer is still staying away until my last Herceptin treatment, in February. But I'm going through a type of scanxiety, really.
I went to a breast specialist today ("He's obsessed with breasts...hey, that rhymes!" What show?). He looks like a pirate. He has a Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park-era jerry curl mullet going on, and one gold hoop earring in his left ear. I liked him the second I saw him. And he really took the time to talk to me and look at my bump and measure it and figure out a plan of action. Taking into account my type of cancer's tendency to recur (my type is HER2 Positive), he decided to do this needle extraction thing. It entailed a small, hollow needle extracting some cells from this bump. It was painless, because I don't have any feeling there. Gage was in the room, however (my baby-sitters are at My Mom Has Cancer Camp this week), and try as I may, I couldn't shield his curious eyes. He was fascinated by it, at first, but then commanded the doctor, with some concern, "Don't hurt my mommy!" It was sweet.
Doctor Pirate says that tomorrow, they'll get the results back and call me. There are three possibilities: 1) It will be positive for possible cancer and they'll have to do a biopsy. 2) It will come back benign and we don't have to worry about it. 3) It will come back inconclusive, and they'll have to do a biopsy. They are trying to avoid a biopsy in case it's just weird scar tissue; radiated skin is very difficult to heal, and they don't want to cause any damage if what we're looking at is scar tissue.
So it's not scanxiety, per se, since this isn't a scan. But it's the same kind of a deal - a test to see if I'm cancer-free. So, dear friends, can you pray for me today?? (Let's face it, it's like 11:30 while I write this, and you are all in bed. So I'm saying "today" because you'll most likely read this tomorrow.) I'd appreciate it. I really am, for the most part, thinking positively about it and assuming that it's no big deal. I guess I'm just coming to a realization that...I guess I won't be out of the woods for a long time. And I so want to be out of those woods.