Sunday, December 8, 2013

Breath of Heaven

I was sitting in my bedroom this morning, folding clothes on my bed and listening to churchy Christmas music.  This is a dangerous activity.  (Not the folding of clothes, but the listening to Christmas music.)  Because I can get a little emotional about some songs.  I've been known to cry in my car more than once when a really beautiful song about Christ's birth comes on.  I know when to hurry and turn the radio off when I'm in the car or in front of my kids.  They get really freaked out when I cry.

So this morning, one of my historical tear-jerkers came on the radio, "Breath of Heaven."  I looooove this song so much.  Anything involving Christ brings tears to my eyes, because I love Him.  He is my Savior.  He is my brother.  He is my redeemer.

But I think another reason this song means so much to me is that it kind of echoes my feelings as a mother.  I don't mean in any way to compare my motherhood to Mary's motherhood, or my situation to her situation.  She bore the son of God.  She carried a very, very heavy burden.  She would eventually watch him die.  I cannot even imagine all that she went through.

But the lyrics really echo how I feel a lot of the time:

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me

Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven

I often feel that I'm not worthy to be a mother to these beautiful, amazing children.  I often feel very overwhelmed.  And fearful that I'm doing a terrible job.  And I pray, more than once a day - more like constantly, in my head - for Him to hold me together.  To help me be strong.  To be near me.  To lighten my darkness. 

I think that's why this song means so much to me.  It's an echo of the thoughts that constantly run through my head.  But this I know - the only way I'm going to be even a little successful is with His help.  I absolutely cannot do it alone.  I am weak.  I am impatient.  I'm often in darkness.  But part of Christ's atonement - and I learned this through a lot of gospel study - is that He can give us the strength we don't have.  He can help us do good things - and raising children correctly is a good thing - when what we can give isn't enough.  I'll offer all I am, and He will help make up the difference.

It's that hope that holds me together and keeps me going.


Megan said...

Wow, Kar, you are so right! Thank you for sharing this post and your thoughts! I totally got goosebumps and could feel the spirit so strong as I read your words! You have said what I couldn't. I often feel overwhelmed and inadequate too. I'm going to listen to this song and possibly cry:) Love you! You are an amazing mom!!

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