Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Boob Pokin'

So I had my biopsy yesterday.  It really wasn't too bad, honestly.  I went to a baseball game with my folks the night before, and my mom quite helpfully told me that once, when she got a biopsy on her boob, she got, well...shish-kabobed.  Like, they accidentally poked all the way through to the other side.  I was like, "MO-OM!  I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT RIGHT NOW!"  It's like ladies that tell you all of their horrible labor stories when you're pregnant.  Don't need to hear it.  I can listen to it after I have the baby, and I can swap stories with you, aight?  But none of this pre-emptive PTSD.


So, understandably, I was a little nervous.  I did it right there in the radiologist's office, and the actual procedure itself was only like a minute long!  While the ladies were setting up, we chit-chatted about this and that.  I found out that the main gal knows my mom and that the other gal really loves to paint in watercolors.  The Watercolor Lady had plantar fasciitis once and we commiserated about it for awhile.  She took several minutes trying to shoo a fly out of the room.


I looked up at one point and saw some x-rays up on the screen.  And I realized that they were x-rays of my boob!  I was like, "Is that ME?  Is that Lefty?"  Yep.  They were huge on the screen!  I was like, "Dang, if I had this size of boobs, I'd probably be seven feet tall!!"  It was fascinating.  I've never seen an x-ray of a boob before.  And yes, I saw the calcifications.  They looked like constellations.  Bright white.  Dots in clusters.  Everything else just looked mooshy and smudgey in there, but these little guys were very prominent.


They had me lie down on a table (they really should try to make it more cushioney) on your tummy, with your boob hanging into this hole in the table.  And then they pump the whole table up, like the hairdressers do with their special chairs, and then the doctor lays on his back and works underneath you, like a car mechanic working on a chassis.  I guess it makes sense, since boobs are so....weird.  I mean, they take on different shapes depending on how you're positioned, right?  It would make the most sense to have them hanging down toward the earth...

Anyways, so first, they have these rollers that kind of clamp on your boob on the top and bottom, and they tighten the rollers.  It's a little uncomfortable, but not bad.  But maybe it's just me.  And my insensitive boobs. Wink.  I had to turn my head and face the wall, my cheek on the table.  They took some x-rays, and I had to hold my breath during them.  I was worried that my heart thumping was messing the x-rays up, but the gal said I did great.  I got to stare at a painting on the wall during the whole procedure.  The painting was really beautiful.  Lily pads in a pond.  I later commented on the beauty of the painting, and they said that the artist is a medical doctor and likes to make paintings based on anatomy.  The lily pads, with the faint outlines of their stems going to the bottom of the pool, represent kidneys.  I thought that was cool.


So the radiologist came in and positioned himself underneath my chassis/boob and was like, "Okay, I have to give you a local anesthetic.  It's going to sting, but then afterward, you won't feel anything, which is a good thing."  I gave a thumbs up, realized he couldn't see it, then grunted, "Okay..."  I was nervous.  I think the shot is called Lidacaine or something like that, and I've had that shot lots of times in my dumb foot before cortisone shots.  And they hurt like a Mother of Pearl.  So I was scared.  But dude, I didn't even feel a pinch!  I didn't feel any stinging!


"Is that too terribly painful, Karlenn?  Are you doing alright?"


"Wait, you're doing it right now?"


"Well, I just finished."


"Um, no, not painful at all.  I didn't even feel it."


"Really?  That's strange..."


I mean, maybe the discomfort of the rollers that were clamping my boob made the shot not seem like that big of a deal??  I don't know.  Whatever.  I'm glad it didn't sting.


After a couple of minutes, they were ready to do the biopsy.  So apparently, they go in there, and they extract three samples in some way - I quite honestly don't want to know the trauma my poor boob went through.  And then!  They put in this little "marker."  They want to mark the space where they took the samples from, so that if they have to come back, they know where to go.  I thought that was fascinating.  So I have this little tag inside me.  Like those sharks they tag and then track all over the ocean.  So cool.


Then they uncranked the rollers and had me slowly sit up, putting pressure on my boob for awhile, and then they put this special strong tape over the...well...hole.  I mean, I saw an x-ray of the thing they put in you to take the samples, and it's not a teeny needle.  It looks like maybe the size of a pencil or a tampon or something.  I shuddered and looked away.  I was surprised they don't do stitches, but oh well.  If the tape does the trick, then I'm good.  They did that special tape when I got my hysterectomy, and that totally surprised me.  Tape??  Crazy.


I had to wait for another couple of minutes, and that's when I saw the towel-o-blood under the hole in the table.  I had to look away again.  That was a whole lotta blood...  But I felt fine.  I hadn't even had time to eat lunch yet, but I wasn't dizzy or anything.


Then we had to do a whole other round of mammograms, something with which to compare future mammograms, should that become necessary.


They told me not to do any housework or anything for 24 hours.  (Yesssss.)  And then Ben took me to Jamba to get an Orange Dream Machine.  I took it easy for the rest of the day yesterday and attempted to take it easy today.  It's not always easy to take it easy when you have four needy children, amIright?  I'll find out the results of the biopsy on Monday.  Wish me luck.

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