Thursday, July 23, 2015

You down wit' ODD? Yeah, you know...he...

Soooo, as you know, my seven-year-old, Micah is.... an angry little fellow.  We've talked about this before, dear reader.  This isn't a surprise. 

His angry, volatile, often violent demeanor has definitely taken a toll on our family.  It's exhausting and difficult to be a sibling or a parent to a kid who is constantly hurting others, crying, screaming...he's only happy like 1% of his life.  He's unhappy, and as a result, all of us are unhappy. 

People who are just meeting him here in Bend are like, "Well, you guys have been through a lot of stuff this past year...Maybe he's acting out..."  True dat on having been through a lot.   But Micah has been pissed off since he was born.  We kept thinking it was a phase, or that he was just more of a willful child.  We've been consistent in our discipline with him.  It's not from lack of guidance or parenting.  I can say that with a clean conscience.  We've tried so hard.  Soooo hard.  With all of our kids.

I finally decided to talk to his doctor about it.  I felt like my health concerns were under control (mainly), so I felt ready to tackle this.  He referred us to a child counselor.  He and I have gone probably...six times?  The first four times, I was like, Ummmmm...  I mean, a lot of childhood counselors use play-based therapy.  Which I completely support and understand.  And she uses a lot of art-based therapy, which is right up his alley.  But for those first four visits or so (and she invited me to go in with Micah for them), it was, "Wow, Micah, you made a really pretty picture!  How do you feel about that?  Doesn't it make you so happy to create something beautiful?"  "Micah, what a great bead necklace!  You are so good at making bead necklaces!"  And I was like, dude....

There was something nice that she had us start - every night, Micah and I were to sit down together, and he was to think of a success he had that day, and also a strength that he has.  And then I had to come up with two of those, as well.  I felt that it improved things a little - it moved the attention from negative to positive.  I think it was a good exercise for both of us in that way.  And when we were in Portland that one weekend, man, he was our MVP.  So kind.  So much fun.  Such a good attitude.  I was really hoping that the change in our focus was making a difference.

But then Micah kind of regressed back into the violent and angry behavior.  It's especially difficult because all of us are exposed to it all day long, now that it's summertime.  And it's not from boredom.  We do our city's library program (he freakin' hates reading, P.S.).  We do our city's Lunch and Learn program at one of the local parks.  We got a free swim pass for our family at our local swimming pool and are using it liberally.  He ain't bored.

He's just...mean.

So when we visited with his counselor for his fifth session, I was like, dude.  Let's get down to the nitty gritty.  So I painted a more thorough picture for her of what our home life was like.  Micah was right there, so I kind of used...careful vocabulary.  "His behavior is very...volatile.  He causes...bodily injury to his...siblings...almost every single day.  It makes us feel...despair.  He is very...antagonizing...the...majority of the time." 

I think she finally realized that we were dealing with something pretty difficult.  She had us make two charts that we keep on the fridge.  One is the "Making Up for It Heart," and one is the "Kindness Necklace."  In the heart, we write the things that Micah does to "make up for" hurting his siblings, either physically or emotionally. So let's say he kicks Sadie in the knee, causing it to hyperextend (Yes, that's an example from real life).  Then he has to do a service for her to make it up.  Like scrub her room.  (He had to do that today.)  With the Kindness Necklace, he gets to color in a bead on the necklace every time I catch him doing something kind for others.  I have us write down the kindnesses he did next to each bead.  Once the beads have all been colored in, we get to go the bead store and get a couple of dollars' worth of beads.  (Bead necklaces are his current passion.)

The charts are effective, but they don't seem to be making as large of a difference as we'd like.  He is still hurting someone almost every single day.  Honestly, I feel bad for my other children.  Having to grow up always worried about getting hurt all the time...not the best thing. Something really big needs to happen.

We went to therapy yesterday, after Gage's speech therapy and occupational therapy (it's exhausting keeping up with all of these therapies...).  As we further discussed Micah, the therapist opened up a book of...emotional disorders?  Psychiatric disorders?  I don't know what the PC term is for it.  We looked up "anxiety."  Micah only exhibited one symptom for "anxiety."  As we further tried to put our finger on what is bothering him, the therapist thought to look up ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  As she went down the checklist of symptoms, I was like, "Yep, yep, yep, yep..."  I asked to take a picture of the page to send to Ben:
All eight of these.  Micah has all eight of these.  And has had them for wayyy longer than just six months.  Try like five years.

We're taking him to a child psychologist to see if she can do some evaluating and testing to see if this is what we're dealing with.  And what we can do to help him.  Our counselor did say that often, if ODD remains unaddressed, the child with ODD becomes an adult with Antisocial Disorder (a sociopath) or Narcissistic Disorder. 

That kind of freaked me out.  I watch Investigation Discovery, dude.  True crime TV.  Do you know what a lot of these really, really bad dudes have?  Antisocial or Narcissistic Disorders.  Yowza.

So, I'll let you know how it goes.  The counselor said that ODD often goes hand-in-hand with ADHD or depression.  I know he doesn't have ADHD.  I have a son with ADHD, and Micah ain't it.  But if he is also diagnosed with depression, there may be medications that can help him.

And you know what?  I'm at the end of my rope.  If the psychologist said, "Hey, he has depression, and I think he would greatly improve and be a lot happier if we tried a medication for him," I would be like, "EXCELLENT.  GIVE ME THE DRUGS."  Because that's how desperate the situation has become.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.  Just...keepin' it real, I guess.

5 comments:

Unknown said...

Hi, wonderful Karlenn! It's Jamie. I want to hide this comment but I'm not sure how. I think it's because I'm a private person on certain things. But I wanted to share this with you to let you know that things can and will get better. I know because I have seen it. We have a son and I've sworn for the past 14 years he has had ODD. We have never been to counseling, but in hindsight I think you should have as many tools in your tool belt as possible and knowledge is power. He has never been diagnosed. He was born angry! Not sad, not hurting, just angry! He does not seem to have it quite to the level of your son, but pretty dang close. It peaked around ages 7, 8, and 9. It makes me tear up think of how much we've been through. I can't count the number of times I've dropped to my knees for help. It used to be several times a day that I would think "I have no idea how to handle this. This is beyond my mother intuition and my patience and my abilities." Now that only happens about once a week. Huge improvement! This boy is amazing and I did not want to fail him because of my inadequacies. I got answers. I found out how to lead and guide with my son. Disciplining him and getting angry only created a downward spiral. He would get more angry and lash out so the discipline became worse, and then he would get more angry and lash out so the discipline became more harsh. It went down and down. Thankfully he respected his father and he would listen to him. But on the day to day it was left me. I found activities that were interesting to him and let him go as far as he wanted to. Right now he's on the lacrosse team that has been awesome! It’s great outlet for his energy. We celebrate his successes in life. We try to catch him doing his many good things as possible. This is proven to be good for all of my children. When I talk to him I make sure I bend down to have eye contact so he doesn't think I'm an authoritative overpowering figure. I get on his level and reason with him. That has been very effective. It makes him feel if he is not fighting the over bearing power but instead working with it. He wants authority left up to him. And when we can involve him and include him in choices and decisions, it lets him use those skills for leadership and lets him know how to make wise choices. At least that is my hope. So far, this has been very effective. Treating him as an equal when tough things arise. He is not always treated on as an equal, but as often as we can include him then we do. When he lashes out and hurts one of his siblings I look at him and say what would you do if you were the mother? How would you treat your son if this happened? How would you feel about your child just got hurt? What am I supposed to do to help you learn how to treat others with love and respect? After he thinks about it for a while, he comes back in and more often than not it is more harsh on himself with discipline than what I would've been. Trying to find discipline that will help teach him not just punish him. We follow through with it. Sometimes I have to lessen the discipline him chooses though, if it's too much.

Unknown said...

One more thing I need to mention. He wanted so bad to be in charge and have no one overpowering him or authority in his life. So I told him early on "You are a leader. And you get to decide if you're going to be a leader for good or a leader for bad. Your father and I are going to do everything we can to help you be a leader for good. But ultimately the choice is yours." He is now a leader. He was voted to be captain of his lacrosse team, he has been the leader of his scout troop, he has been in his deacons quorum presidency, he gathers and rallies the young men around him and he is their friend. And he helps him to make good choices. He has turned into a leader. And although we had some really really hard years, we are now seeing the positive side of having a son with undiagnosed ODD. There are still some tough times, but as he grows I know he'll be able to use the skills to become a better person. Sorry about my ramblings Karlenn. It's late and my mind has turned to mush. This was not well written, it's just me talking on and on =-). I hope the counseling helps and you'll be able to see improvement. I know the little changes you can make at home can make all the difference. It's just hard to figure out what those changes need to be. I know they worked in my home. You really are amazing and he is lucky to have you for a mother!

Nyline said...

Tristan has ADHD and ODD. I think I told you about it. Anyway, we do have Tristan on meds and it has been a GOD's send for us and for him. He, Nathan, and I go to counseling together. His counselor has taught us so great tools to help deal with his rage.

Kristine said...

Love your Sunday School lesson outlines. I've used them a lot! Thank you for taking the time to share your ideas. We have a child who had similar behavior. We used the Total Transformation program from Empowering Parents. I was skeptical, thinking it was just a big money maker for the company. BUT IT WORKED. It really worked. And the principles can be used for all children as well. They also have a program specifically for ODD kids. Our child, who I'm sure had ODD, has learned to control her temper and is smart, good hearted, and ambitious today. Good luck and feel free to email me if you have any questions about the program.
kswarts4@gmail.com

Here's a link to the program: https://store.empoweringparents.com/

There are many helpful articles you can read about issues you need help with in parenting. This is the link for them: http://www.empoweringparents.com/articles.php

Best wishes!

Kristine

Kristine said...

Love your Sunday School lesson outlines. I've used them a lot! Thank you for taking the time to share your ideas. We have a child who had similar behavior. We used the Total Transformation program from Empowering Parents. I was skeptical, thinking it was just a big money maker for the company. BUT IT WORKED. It really worked. And the principles can be used for all children as well. They also have a program specifically for ODD kids. Our child, who I'm sure had ODD, has learned to control her temper and is smart, good hearted, and ambitious today. Good luck and feel free to email me if you have any questions about the program.
kswarts4@gmail.com

Here's a link to the program: https://store.empoweringparents.com/

There are many helpful articles you can read about issues you need help with in parenting. This is the link for them: http://www.empoweringparents.com/articles.php

Best wishes!

Kristine

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