I am currently at my job. The janitorial stuff is done, and the shredding is done, so why am I still here?
I'm hiding from my children.
I just...need a break. And Ben is there with them, so I'm just hanging out and enjoying the solitude and the silence. And letting him deal with them for awhile.
So I started this post back at the end of March, and then life just got really busy. A few days previously, I had posted about how it was interesting that each of my kids has had special challenges/issues. Nothing too horrific. Dylan's ADHD. And, apparently, a tendency toward the dramatic. (Do most almost-10-year-olds act this way?? It's ludicrous.) Sadie's speech issues. (She "graduated" from speech therapy, but she still lisps quite a bit. It's cute right now, but I'm not sure if it will still be cute when she's, like, 15.) Micah's apparent mood disorder/anxiety. Gage's speech and hearing issues (more on that later, I promise). I never really realized that having kids would be challenging. I guess my mom just made it look really easy. :) I adore my kids and don't regret even for a second having any of them, but they are....spirited....and can really drain me.
So yeah. My kids have issues. But I have issues, too. I've been on anti-depressants since the end of college (student teaching pushed me over the edge and made me a little cray-cray; anyone who has done student teaching will attest to its intensity), and honestly, they've been a lifesaver. They make me feel like me. A lot of people have misconceptions about antidepressants. They don't make you a zombie. They just make you, you. Instead of a really angry, mean, mad person.
That's how my depression manifests itself. I don't cry a lot or mope or look out windows like they show on commercials for anti-depressants. I yell. Scream. Swear. I was watching The Avengers with Ben and Dylan for the first time this weekend (Yeah, yeah, yeah, it took me this long to watch it. I'm busy, people), and when Bruce Banner says, "That's my secret. I'm angry all the time," I thought, that's me. I'm the Incredible Hulk.
Honestly, I think I've had depression most of my life. Looking back...yeah. I needed help looooong before college. Do I hate that I have to take pills to be normal? Yeah. But I've made my peace with it. It's just like having thyroid disease or type 1 diabetes. It's physiological. It's my reality.
Anywho, I've been on the same dose of anti-depressants forever and it's worked really well for me for several years. I still have ups and downs, but they're not extreme caverns that I have to climb up. They're almost like rolling hills. I'm still sad. I'm still happy. But with my pills, I'm good.
Until I got this dang hysterectomy.
Now, I may not be a smart woman, but I know that they left my ovaries in. And I know that, because my ovaries are in there, my hormones shouldn't be wacking out.
But I think they are.
I'm back to Incredible Hulk status. And I hate it. One night, after I explosively yelled at Dylan and then felt extremely guilty and went downstairs and wept in my bed, in the dark, Ben very lovingly and tentatively said, "Kar, I feel like you're really struggling emotionally. Is there anything I can do to help?" That's when I knew it was time to do something.
So I went to my gynie and asked her. She was puzzled and said, "You shouldn't be having any hormone issues..." She suggested I add an additional, small dose of a different anti-depressant that I take in the morning. I like it because it gives me energy and because it makes me not crave carbs (which is AWESOME, because carbs are my weakness), but I don't feel like it's doing the trick. Ben says he can tell a difference. But I still feel like I'm boiling inside all the time.
And another thing - my face. I've been experiencing acne the likes of which I haven't seen since I was 21.
Have I TOLD you about when I was 21? Let's quickly paint a picture. My permanent retainer broke, unbeknownst to me, and my teeth started moving all around. I actually started to get buck teeth. I had to get braces ALL OVER AGAIN. My bed in my apartment had bed bugs in it. Which was really cool. And I had this horrible, horrible bout with acne. I remember popping 8 or so pimples in my chin area at least three times a day. I left them alone if they were just red, but this was, like, getting rid of pus. I wasn't about to go out in public with pustules on my face. Really, it was a public service that I was performing.
I didn't want to go outside of my apartment. I didn't want to go to class. I was so mortified.
And I had a roommate who was a cute cougarette (I went to BYU), and she had about fifteen million boys in love with her and coming over to see her...
And here I was. Buck teeth with braces. Pussy pimples all over my chin. It was awful...
Anyways, I ended up going on accutane, which was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I still get pimples every now and then, but as far as that horrible, pus-filled, scarring, painful undergrounder pimpley stuff, it's gone. Accutane really kind of cures you of that stuff.
I'm back to where I was when I was 21. Except this time, I'm not skinny. So now I'm chubby, plus I have acne, plus I'm the Incredible Hulk.
It's a special time.
We have a lot of medical bills right now, especially since Micah cut his head open (more on that later, as well) and because we've had to take Gage to audiologists and ENTs several times the past few months. So my vanity and psychotic anger have to wait for awhile until we can afford to go check things out. But I want to see someone about my hormones. I don't know who you go to for stuff like that. An endocrinologist? If any of you knows, ditez-moi, s'il vous plait.
Until then, I'll keep my popping needle handy. And take lots of breaks from my kids. For their safety.
"You'll make me angry. You don't want to see me when I'm angry!!!"