...don't get troches in the pina colada flavor.
What are troches, you ask? Oh, they're my new way of getting some testosteroney (the REAL San Francisco treat) into my body.
So here's the deal. When you have a hormone deficiency, you can treat it in lots of different ways - you can actually rub a cream, like, on your thighs and have it absorbed that way (a cute older lady in my ward says that she rubs it on her legs, and then if she has some left over on her hands, she rubs it on her husband's arms. "It wouldn't hurt him to have more testosterone in his life," she muttered.), I think there is a patch, you can take it in pill form, you can have these things called pellets inserted subcutaneously (this happens only once every five months), you can get shots, or you can do these lozenges called troches (pronounced TRO-keys).
I talked to my doctor last week, and she herself has to have hormone therapy. She likes the pellets because you only go in every five months. But most people's insurances don't cover pellets. She said that the pills made her feel a little "fuzzy," comparable with what you feel when you take cold medicine. I decided to give the troches a try.
Here I am, ready to take my first troche:
You have to put the troche under your tongue and let it dissolve. And oy, talk about "swallowing a bitter pill." Or, more correctly, dissolving a bitter pill under your tongue and swallowing the bitter taste along with your spit every now and then. *shudder* The troche tastes like bitterness, encased in a thin flavor of pina colada.
And those things take half an hour to dissolve! Mama mia! So I'm gagging and lisping while the troche is dissolving and I'm trying to get the kids ready and off to school. "Dywan, put on yo dacket. Thadie, bluss yo teesss."
And I think my love of pina colada is forever tainted. Will I ever be able to sip a virgin Pina Colada smoothie again without having that bitter taste come into my mouth? Perhaps not.
So maybe I'll try the pill next time. We'll see if I just get used to it.
And can I say a few things about that Pina Colada song? I heard it on the radio the other day.
1) That guy is a jerk for wanting to cheat on his wife/possible live-in girlfriend.
2) His wife/possible live-in girlfriend is a jerk for wanting to cheat on her husband/possible live-in boyfriend.
3) Why doesn't the girl like yoga? She's crazy. Yoga ROCKS.
4) Who would want to make love in a sand dune? Sand in all the wrong places.
5) At the end of the song, he says he never knew that his wife/live-in girlfriend likes Pina Colada, getting caught in the rain, etc. These are important things to know about your significant other, dude. What is your problem? Ben knows I love anything Mango. I know he loves anything chocolate-upon-chocolate. I know he loves getting caught in the rain. He knows I love getting caught in the rain. He knows I'm very into yoga. I know he likes the concept of yoga, but not the actual getting-dressed-and-going-to-the gym-to-do-yoga thing. I know he has half a brain. He knows I have half a brain. And I won't embarrass you by letting you know Ben's and my respective feelings on the subject of making love at midnight. All I will say is that one of us is against it and one of us is for it. And I'll leave it at that.