Monday, September 3, 2012

The Naughty Neighbor Girl - A Play in Three Extremely Short Acts


Kar:  Chubby, grumpy stay-at-home mom
Sadie:  Newly-minted seven-year-old girl.  Kar's daughter.
Micah:  Kar's four-year-old boy with emotional issues.
Hillary:  A naughty neighbor girl.  Kar hates her.  [And no, her name is not really Hillary.]
Gage:  Kar's two-year-old boy who is extremely easy-going.


Scene i

Flourish.  (I've always wanted to say that.)  Kar's living room.  It's morning.  Kar is lying on the couch, snoozing a little bit.  She feels kind of crummy.  Micah is "nuggling" on the couch with Kar.  In a distant part of the house, the front door slams.  The sound of dog nails and the jangling of dog tags filter into the living room.  Kar opens her eyes in a daze, wondering if her sister and sister's cute little dogs are here for a surprise visit.

Hillary:  [Entering the living room] Hi!  Is yo daughto hewe? 
Kar:  Oh.  It's you.  Um, yeah.  She's sleeping in her bedroom.  Hey, um, next time, can you knock on the door before you come in?  It's kind of rude to just walk into peoples' houses, unless you are a very close family member.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!
Kar:  And Hillary?
Hillary:  Yeah?
Kar:  You need to take your dog outside.  It's also rude to take dogs into other peoples' houses.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!
Kar:  I'll wake Sadie and send her outside to play with you.

Kar walks to Sadie's room while Hillary goes outside.

Scene ii

The kitchen, two seconds later.  Kar is cleaning off Gage's high chair tray.  Hillary comes walking into the house with the dog again.

Kar:  Hillary, you need to keep your dog outside, okay?  I woke Sadie up, and she's getting dressed and brushing her teeth.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!
Kar:  She'll be outside in a moment, alright?

Hillary goes outside.  Kar rolls her eyes, shakes her head, and finishes cleaning off Gage's high chair tray.

Scene iii

The dining room, a few minutes later.  Kar is feeding Gage some yogurt.  Sadie, Hillary, and her dog are in the backyard.  Sadie and Hillary enter the dining room.

Kar:  Hillary, did you take your dog home?
Hillary:  No.
Kar:  Um, did you leave her in the backyard?
Hillary:  Yeah.
Kar:  Sweetie, I don't have a fence. She might wander off and get lost.  Maybe you should take her home to your house.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!

Hillary goes into the backyard.  She comes in two seconds later.

Hillary:  My dog is gone!
Kar:  Mmm-hmmm.  Probably.
Hillary:  You have to hewp me find ho.
Kar:  Not my problem.  You can go find her.  In fact, I see her in the front yard.  Just take her home.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!

Hillary goes out the front door, grabs her dog, and takes her dog home.  Kar knows it's wishful thinking to hope that Hillary just goes and never. comes. back.

Scene iv

The kitchen.  A few minutes later.  Kar is rinsing a washcloth to wipe Gage's face.  Hillary enters, opens the fridge, and helps herself to a Capri Sun.

Kar:  Um, Hillary, you're supposed to ask before you get something out of someone else's fridge.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!
Kar:  So what should you say?
Hillary:  Can I have a Capwi Sun?
Kar:  I guess so.

Hillary leaves the kitchen.  Kar rolls her eyes and turns the faucet off.

Scene v

The kitchen.  A few minutes later.  Kar is filling a sippy cup of orange juice for Gage.  Sadie, Micah, and Hillary enter.  Sadie gets out a bowl and pours herself some cereal.

Hillary:  I want some ceweao, too.
Kar:  Sorry, Hillary.  Last time you were here, Sadie poured you a big bowl of cereal, and you didn't even eat one bite.  You owe me, like, a dollar for the cereal you wasted.  So you can't have any more cereal at our house.
Hillary:  Oh, okay!

Hillary, Sadie, and Micah leave the kitchen.  Kar starts pounding her head against the counter.


Scene i

The dining room, an hour later. Kar is wiping off the table.  Sadie, Hillary, and Micah are running around the table.  Running to Sadie's room.  Running to the living room.  Yelling.  Shrieking. 

Kar:  Kay, you guys need to go outside and play.  It's a nice day.  And you hurt my ears when you yell and scream.
Hillary:  We'w be quiet, I pwomise.
Kar:  Nope.  Out.
Hillary:  But I'm hungwy.
Sadie:  Yeah, me, too!
Kar:  I'll make you some sandwiches, but you have to play outside and eat the sandwiches outside.
Sadie and Hillary:  [in unison] Okay!

Scene ii

The dining room, half an hour later.  The kids are eating outside.  Kar is sweeping her dining room.  They all come in, shrieking.

Hillary:  Thewe's a bee!!!!
Kar:  Then go in the backyard and eat.
Hillary:  What if thewe's a bee back thewe, too?
Kar: You'll just have to get over it.  You can't come inside right now.

Scene iii

The living room, half an hour later.  Against Kar's better judgment, because she knows she will get interrupted ten thousand times, she has decided to exercise.  She pops her DVD into the computer and gets started.  The kids come in.

Hillary:  We want to exocise wif you.
Kar:  Hell no.  Get out.

The kids shrug and go back outside.

Scene iv

The living room, two minutes later.  Sadie opens the back door, shrieking.  Hillary and Micah come running in.  Kar sighs and pauses her DVD.

Sadie:  I stepped in dog poo!!!!
Kar:  Dog poo?  But we don't have a...[and then it dawns on her.  Hillary's stupid dog pooped in the backyard when she was there.]  Oh my hell.  Kay.  Sadie, stay THERE.  DO NOT COME IN.  Let me go get you some clorox wipes.
[Sadie whimpers a little bit, but stays put.  Kar appears a few moments later and gives Sadie some clorox wipes to wipe her foot.]
Kar:  Kay, Sadie, put those wipes into that garbage bag that has Gage's poopy diaper in it from this morning.  I'll take it to the dumpster in a little while.
Sadie:  Okay.
Kar:  Micah, Hillary, go back outside.
Hillary:  Okay!
Kar:  I'm going to come out and pick up that poop with a plastic bag.

She leaves for a few moments.  She re-enters, you hear her washing her hands in the kitchen, and then she enters the living room again.  Kar starts her DVD again.  Mid-way into her Level 3 drills (which include about a thousand push-ups), Kar realizes that she has just stuck her hand in some dog poop that was mushed into the carpet.  One of the other kids must have also stepped in dog poop and tracked it in.  

Kar screams.  Long and loud.  Pauses her DVD with her non-poopy hand.  Goes to the kitchen. Comes back with paper towels and carpet cleaner.  Cleans up the mushed dog poop.  Goes to the kitchen.  We hear her washing her hands again.  Re-enters the living room.  Leans out the door.

Kar:  Okay, you guys.  Who else has poop on their feet?
[The kids examine their feet.]
Hillary:  Not me!
Micah:  Not me!
Kar: [sighing] Okay.  Maybe you washed it off by running around in the gra- [She notices that the kids have ripped down tons and tons of the wild vines that climb on her fence and elm trees in the backyard and shredded them all over the yard.  She swears quietly.]  Okay.  Now you guys get to clean up all these shredded vines and leaves and take them out to the dumpster.
The kids:  Okay!

Kar swears again, then re-starts her DVD.  Again.

Scene v

The living room.  The kids come in.

Kar:  [Trying to do diamond jumps and not succeeding.  Panting hard.  Dripping in sweat.] Get out.
Sadie:  We want to run outside in the sprinklers!
Kar:  Fine.  Whatever.  As long as you go back outside.

After a few moments, we hear them run into the front yard.


Scene i

The front yard.  Kar has finally finished her workout.  She comes out to see if they're doing alright.  Hillary is wearing Sadie's swimming suit from last year.  And Sadie and Micah are in their swimsuits.  The sprinkler is turned off, and the kids are completely covered in mud from Kar's crappy driveway.  She starts shaking visibly.

Kar:  Who turned off the sprinkler?
Hillary:  I did, because I wanted to pway with the worms.  Wook at dis one.  His name is Geowge.
Kar:  Um, that's nice.  Kay.  Nobody messes with my sprinklers without asking me first, alright?
Hillary:  Okay.
Kar:  I'm going to go back in the backyard and turn the sprinkler back on.  Then all of you guys need to wash the mud off yourselves in the sprinkler.  And then you are all getting dressed into normal clothes.  My kids and I have to run some errands. And you, Hillary, are going HOME.  [Aside:]  I need to figure out some errands to run.  I have to get away from here.

Kar disappears for a few moments to turn the sprinkler back on.  She reappears in the front yard and is surprised to see that the sprinkler isn't working.  She walks the entire length of the hose, looking for kinks. She doesn't see any.

Kar:  Hillary, how did you turn off the sprinkler?
Hillary:  Well, fiwst I tuwned off the ciwcle thing in the backyawd.
Kar:  The faucet?
Hillary:  Yeah. The faucet.  And then I also twisted the spwinklew in the fwont yard to make suwe nothing would come out.
Kar:  Ahhhh.  Perfect.  Neat.  Okay.

Kar fiddles with the sprinkler and finally gets it to spray.  The kids gather around to wash off the mud covering every inch of their bodies.  Hillary decides it's really funny to make it repeatedly spray her butthole.

Kar:  Hillary, you've already washed that part.  You need to get your arms and your feet.
Hillary:  Okay!

They finally finish up.  Kar orders them in to change.  They scurry into the house.

Scene ii

A few minutes later, we see Kar and all the kids file out of the house.  Hillary runs toward her home.  Kar doesn't say goodbye to her.  Kar loads the kids into her car.  We see her tapping her lips, trying to figure out someplace to go.  Anywhere.  Far from here.  For a couple of hours.

Exeunt.  Flourish. 


megan said...

Wow, you are so patient with her!! I would not let that girl in my house!! Even without a dog!! Not even to go to the bathroom. I'm kinda glad all the neighbor kids aren't the same age as mine now. LOL:)

Norlund Clan said...

Seriously, I hate when kids just walk into the house. I would keep all of my doors locked if she were my neighbor.

Cinderella, the A-Train and Our Little Caboose said...

Ohhhh mercy. I am just thinking of all the things I have yet to experience! This story is so good it's almost unbelievable! Hang in there Kar! You are a gem to put up with that!

Aprillium said...

Oh, my goodness. I think if it were me I would have to enforce "friend visiting hours" and lock every door I owned to keep the horrors at bay.

Lyndsay said...

Oh, Kar, you are so much nicer than I would have been. Next time just send that girl home immediately!!!

Casady Clark said...

You're always welcome at my home when you need to run an "errand". Must admit I would have sent her home sooner.

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