So. My sistah, Nat, and I take turns doing janitorial at our dad's office. We do every other week. It's nice to have a little bit of extra money coming in. And honestly, it's nice for me to take a break from my kids. Even if it means cleaning urine off the bathroom floors. Yes, it's true. Grown men still sometimes don't aim very well. Which is sad. For me. Because I'm the one who gets to clean it up.
Anywaysssss, I change each worker's garbage every single night, so I am pretty well-acquainted with their offices. I was thinking the other night (you get a lot of time to think when you're cleaning in a quiet office), while I was cleaning bathrooms and changing out garbages, what kind of award I might give each worker, just based on their offices. And it was entertaining to me to think about. So I'm going to share. With the workers' names changed, of course. And I'm going to call the awards The Moppies.
Welcome to the First Annual Moppies!! After careful consideration, we the judges (meaning me, the judge), have decided to give out the following awards.
Coolest Statue: Brandon. He has this cool, very modern statue in his corner. I love looking at it. Good job, Brandon.
Biggest Lover of Tulips: Erica. She has probably ten framed pictures of tulips in her office. The girl loves tulips.
Largest Garbage Contributor: Terry. Her garbage is always full and very, very heavy. She is the one who orders office supplies, I think, so I think she gets a lot of catalogues. And then she throws them away. Which is making my arms more buff. So I thank you, Terry.
Most Boogerey Nose: The men's bathroom is constantly running out of kleenex. I have to put a new box in there, like, every other day. Word on the street is that it's because of Brent. Apparently, he blows his nose a TON. And I can tell from his garbage. Lots of snotty kleenex in there. I use gloves when I change garbages, and I'm always really grateful for them. The other day, I emptied his garbage, and a kleenex wouldn't come out. So, knowing that I was safely gloved, I went to pluck out the kleenex. And a string of snot spanned from the kleenex to the garbage. I gagged a little and still felt all germy, even though I had gloves on. It was traumatic.
Cleanest Office: My dad. For reals. It's always organized and always dusted. It makes me proud. Good job, Dad.
Coolest Name: I won't put her real name up here, but it's the equivalent of naming your child, "Yee-HAW!" It's just that crazy. But she's really nice and really responsible and everything. She just has a ca-razy name.
Smallest Garbage Can: Everyone in the office has the same size of garbage can except Kyle. He has a teeny, weeny, weeny garbage can. It's weird. I don't get it.
Do You Ever Come to Work?: This one goes to Brendan. He hardly ever has garbage. Which says to me he's not there a whole lot. He has a lot of posters and books and displays about fly fishing and about golfing. I wonder if that's what he's doing instead.
Biggest Green Thumb: Susan. She has like ten plants in her office. And they are all thriving and happy. I wish I knew her secret. I kill every house plant that comes to live at our house.
Most Wreaths: Carly. She has a really cute Valentine's Day wreath still hanging on her door right now - I've always been really jealous of that wreath. And then in her office, she has two enormous wreaths on two walls. I'd say one of them is about four feet in diameter. Big old wreaths.
Weirdest Wall Art: Carl. He has this painting of a golfer, and it's just...trippy. It disturbs me. Every time I walk in there. It's a weird-arse painting. I can't find a picture of it, but it's similar in theme to this:
Biggest Basketball Fan: Steve. He has all these bobble heads of that dude who played on the Celtics in the eighties. I cannot remember his name...he was blonde, and, obviously, tall... I'm drawing a blank. And he has lots of other 80's basketball memorabilia.
Cutest Teenagers: Jessica has pictures of her kids in her office, and she has these two adorable teenaged boys. I keep thinking, I hope my boys are that cute when they're teens.
Cutest Holiday Decor: There are three ladies who rent a big room in my dad's office and do medical transcriptioning. So they don't have signs on their desks or anything, and I don't know their names. Which doesn't matter, really, because I would change them for this, anyways. But anyhow, they have the cuuuutest decorations for the holidays. I think they go to Pier One. They have the cutest Easter stuff up right now. It makes me happy to go into their office. Oh, and they always have nice-smelling candles in their office. They smell like strawberries.
Most Obvious Hunter: Drake. He has hunting magazines on his desk, a huge picture of a mountain goat in the snow (which he probably wishes he could shoot), and he used to have a screen saver of himself holding some dead animal's head. Oh, and he has a couple of permits for hunting on his desk from Idaho and Wyoming.
Shouldn't Those Be Refrigerated?: Julie. She has this open bottle of pickles underneath her desk. And I can see the contents have gone down in number, so she is obviously ingesting them. But this makes me really uncomfortable. Shouldn't she keep those in the fridge? What if she gets food poisoning??
Most Girly Decor: Melissa. She has a bunch of framed pictures from the 80's of her with these old professional football players. I recognize one of the players - John Elway. So it's football players, right? But then the frames for these pictures are all flowery, which I think is funny. The picture of she and her hubby is in a flowery heart-shaped frame. Same with the picture of she and her family. Girly frame with flowers and swirls and all that stuff. She also has girly candles and girly accents all over her office.
And there you have it - the first annual Moppies. I'd like to congratulate all who won, even though they won't ever know that they won. Until next year!!