Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Guess who got Botox today??

Me, that's 'oo.  (What movie??)  Yep, you read that right.

Ya know, this whole cancer thing has completely changed my thoughts about a few things.  For one thing, it's made me less judgmental.  I mean, I'm not really a judgey person to begin with - let me just put that out there for you.  Judgeyness is seriously my biggest pet peeve of ALL TIME.  But I suppose, in the deep recesses of my brain, I have judged certain behaviors in a bad light.

For instance, until I accidentally took my son's ADHD meds and felt like a freakin' ROCK STAR for like four hours (before crashing and burning and having this major paranoia/panic attack thing), I thought, "Oh, women who take their kids' ADHD meds...wow, that's messed up...." But when I experienced that euphoria?  I was like, Oh.  I can see why this happens.  They want to feel like a million bucks and get every dang thing done in record time.  I see the draw.  I'm not saying I'm going to keep doing it, or that it's a very good idea for people to do it, but I can see how, in a moment of desperation, a person would want that.

Or pain pills.  It kicked my buttocks flesh (my favorite phrase that a yoga instructor of mine used to always use, before I got all ADD and started jogging instead.  And then got all ADD and started dancing.  Before yoga, it was spinning.  It changes all the time) to get off those suckers.  It was more of an emotional withdrawal than physical!  But before that experience, I was all, "Oh, people who get hooked on pain pills...wow, that's messed up..."   And now I get it.  I totally get it.  Still not saying it's a good idea, but does anyone ever set out to get addicted to pain pills?  No.

And plastic surgery.  I was all, "I'm not ever having fake boobs."  (Well, obvi, my life plans changed dramatically this summer.)  And now that I have them, I LOVE THEM!  They don't bounce, you guys!  I mean, maybe when they take my "stretchers" out and put in my real implants (I think this happens after radiation, so, like, April?), they'll bounce?  But I know that they put the stretchers, and then the implants that replace the stretchers, under your pecs.  And I'm not kidding, you guys.  I taught ballet last week and did a whole petite allegro sequence for like half an hour, and these things didn't move an INCH.  Petite allegro is very, very bouncy.  They didn't move an inch.  I wasn't even wearing a bra!!!  I don't have to wear a bra!  And nobody knows!  And my boobs are just so...perky! This has really been such a pleasant surprise.

And Botox.  I was always like, "I'm going to grow old gracefully.  No Botox for me.  No siree.  I want to look authentic."

But then here's the deal - my right eyelid has been twitching almost constantly since my diagnosis. So, um, almost two full months.  It will sometimes pause, but like a minute later, there it goes.  I don't know if it's stress, or lack of sleep (I don't sleep very well since my diagnosis) or what, but it's driving me CRAZY.  I mentioned it to my plastic surgeon (I have a plastic surgeon now) the last time they filled my boobs up a little, and he was like, "If your eye is still bugging you in two weeks, let's put some Botox in it!" I guess he does that all the time for people whose eyelids are wigging out on them.

Today was my final fill-er-up, and I was like, "Um, so, my eyelid.  Still twitching."

And he was all, "Let's Botox it!"

I was really nervous, but it only hurt as much as it would if you just kind of tapped your skin with the end of a tack.  For realsies.  I was like, "Oh!  Okay!  Cool!"  This is basically what I looked like when he did it:
Not really.  I looked more like this:

And then he goes, "I've got some left over in the vial.  Do you want me to put some anywhere else?"

And boy howdy, instead of demurely putting up my hand, stop-in-the-name-of-love style, and saying, "No, sir.  I shall not sully my face.  I shall grow old gracefully..." I was immediately like, "YES!  SHOOT IT UP BETWEEN MY EYEBROWS!!!"

Because you see, my skin is usually nice and oily, right?  And you don't see many wrinkles on me, on account of its suppleness.  It happens to come with wicked acne, so don't get too jealous.  But since chemo, well, lots of things have changed.  One thing is that I'm growing peach fuzz all over my forehead and jowls.  I have to shave my peach fuzz, for Pete's sake.  I could list a billion other things that have changed.  But notably, my oily, acne-prone face is now a dry, wrinkly pruneface.  And my frown lines between my eyebrows are REALLY prominent.

So yeah.  My views on Botox have changed dramatically, apparently.  It's supposed to take effect in a couple of days.  I'm a little excited to see what happens with my eyelid and with my frown lines.

And my boobs?  They're gorgeous.  Mainly.  They're bigger than they were before, but not crazy big and weird.  Just...nice and proportional.  Proportional for my body type.  They are really lopsided right now, so we'll have to make adjustments, I suppose.  Lefty is higher and smaller than righty, even though equal amounts of...whatever it is they put in the stretchers...have been put into each side. I'm sure my plastic surgeon will take care of it.  He says that Righty "dropped."  I made a lame-o joke about it expecting its baby any day now.  He laughed.  He's very kind to put up with my dorky jokes. We're going to take a prayerful watch-and-wait stance on the lopsided boob issue.  (What movie?)   Maybe Lefty will also "drop" a little to match Righty.  We shall see.  If not, I trust my plastic surgeon.  It's his job to make things pretty.  So I'll let him do it.


Mindy H. said...

I am constantly amazed at the way you write up your adventures. Someday when you are well and bored, please, please, PLEASE write a book... Or three.

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