Monday, July 2, 2012
Chafing - The Final Fat Verdict
But this post is not about how ugly my cover-up is. This post is about chafing.
For those of you who are skinny, chafing is when the top part of your inner thighs is so fat that they rub together when you walk. It's a little obnoxious in pants, kind of uncomfortable when you're trying to jog and your shorts ride up because of the chafing, resulting in much tugging-down-while-jogging, which is kind of a hard thing to do. But when you're in a bathing suit, it's downright PAINFUL.
There are lots of hints that have surfaced throughout the past several years that I'm...well...fluffier than I used to be. When my husband saw someone in Salt Lake from behind and thought it was me. And when I saw that someone, I thought, "I'm not that fat!!" Or when I couldn't get my size-10 jeans to even fit around my thighs. Or when my face started resembling the Man in the Moon.
But the final indignity, the final bang of the Fat Gavel, hit when my family went to a waterslide place in Chelan, a place which is very cleverly named Slide Waters. For reals. Of all the names. "Hey, let's just switch the words around! Instead of Water Slide, let's name it Slide Waters!! We're so clever!!"
I digress. So I was wearing my new tankini and running around with my kiddos - walking up hills with water tubes hoisted onto my shoulders, walking over to the extremely overpriced concessions stand to get the kids some hot dogs, walking with Gage through the wading pool...and can I just say - PAIN. So much pain. I specifically got little shorts instead of normal brief-style bottoms, hoping that would help with the chafing issue. Nope. I guess they weren't long enough.
I finally gave up on all sense of decorum and started waddling around with my legs spread apart, which Ben found really funny. I came THIS close to going into the overpriced swimwear shop and buying some board shorts. They would ride up, a la workout shorts-while-jogging, but at least I wouldn't be in pain. I actually went into the shop and perused the board shorts. Then, hopefully, I looked at the sunscreen section, praying that they had some kind of magical chafing cream you could buy. No such luck. I know I saw a commercial for chafing spray or chafing cream or something several years back. Back when I didn't have to worry about such things.
I just couldn't bring myself to buy the overpriced board shorts, so I just...waddled around all day.
And, to add insult to injury, the kids and I were going down a slide where you get onto an inner tube, and then the little buff teenaged dude in charge of the ride pushes you down. So I got down into the little pool area at the top of the slide and tried to get onto my inner tube. And my big fat self tipped over. I splashed all over the buff teenaged dude in charge of the ride. I laughed and apologized and maneuvered my way on. I'm sure the skinny teenaged kids in line behind me were like, "This lady is so fat she can't even get onto an inner tube..." It was awkward.
But not as awkward as when I almost lost my bottoms at the end of the ride. Scary stuff. Let's just say that I'm really glad my bumb was inside an inner tube. I was able to yank those suckers back up before anyone saw anything they might not want to see.
So this new chafing experience has motivated me to lose a little weight. Gaining weight is humiliating and sad. But when it is actually painful, then it's time to do something. I HATE dieting, but I hate my inner thighs rubbing together more.