Friday, May 6, 2011

A Perky Perk

I've always had a flat butt, no matter how much my weight has fluctuated. I gain all my weight in my gut. For this blog post, I have prepared a collection of pictures. I shall heretofore call this collection "Kar's Hump, A Study."


#1:


(Circa 1993, Universal Studios, Florida. They asked for a volunteer to work some sound effects machines. I started jumping up and down and making weird faces and got picked! You can see my flat butt very nicely in those special, early nineties jean shorts.)


#2:


(Circa 1993, BYU Ballet Camp. We went to this amphitheatre thing up in the woods to see a performance of Guys and Dolls. The girl who played Adelaide fell right off a table she was dancing on. I felt badly for her. In this pic, I was hugging a tree. I don't know why. I'm not a particularly green person. Notice how it's a straight line from my back all the way to my legs. Where the butt should go out... it just doesn't. Straight down.)


#3:


(Circa 1994. A Laurel trip up to Lee Lake - hiking and swimming. Big fun. I was proudly wearing my "Bottom's Up" shorts that I got at the Utah Shakespearean Festival a couple of months previous. Flatty McFlatster.)


#4:


(Circa 1996. Proudly showing off The Fabled Ones, a.k.a. my Patchy Pants.)


#5:


(Circa 2001. My honeymoon in Cancun. We were touring Chichen Itza, I think. I had gained a little weight [finding the right man and staying in and cooking together all the time will do that to you], but still, flat as a pancake.)


#6:


(Circa....2009? Yeah, I think that's right. Painting our living room walls. You can see my flat bottom in the background. Like, 30 pounds heavier than when I got married. But still as flat as can be. Queen's song should say, "Flat-bottomed girls, you make my rockin' world go 'round...")


#7:


(Circa 2010. I call this look The Pregnant Pancake. I was preggars, but still flat. A little wider in the hips, but no bump in my hump.)


I had accepted the Flat Butt thing, just like I have accepted other things - my chubby gut, my little Girls (Patty calls girls like me the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. So funny. I have never heard that phrase before! It's my favorite. And I'd have to say that I'm the President of that committee.), etc. I really didn't think it was something that would ever change.


Then Spinning came along. Oh my goodness. I'm starting to get a little junk in my trunk!! And I like it.


I was frustrated, because here I was, going to spinning class four to five times per week, burning 500 calories each time, and my jeans were getting tighter and tighter. What gives? I thought. But then I realized that maybe the problem is that, because spinning is such a good butt workout, it's protruding more, making it harder to zip up and button my pants. And my pants are really tight in the thighs now, too, which would make sense. Maybe I'm just getting more muscular. At least, that's the thing on which I've decided to blame my uppering in size. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Orrrr maybe Old Navy uses really crappy, cheap material in their clothes. Seriously. It's just my Old Navy jeans that are causing me problems. I've decided to stop shopping there. All of my pants from there have done this shrinking thing. (Or maybe I just keep getting bigger. As Dr. Seuss would say, I'm just biggering, and biggering, and BIGGERING, and BIGGERING!!!)


So anyways. It would be a shame to show all of these "before" butt pictures and not an "after" butt picture. So here you are:



Yeah, the Reebok people wanted to photograph my awesome new hump. They took a picture of me while I was walking my little dog named....Stumpy. Good old Stumpy. I enjoy wearing Daisy Dukes. It's definitely warm enough around here to be sporting Daisy Dukes. And crop tops. It was a balmy 38 degrees today.

4 comments:

Emily Empey said...

hahahahahaha I laughed through this whole post!!

Layton Mom said...

I was the President of the IBTC at one time. My sister and her friends who were all greatly endowed called me spoobless. Good times!

I have a great disdain for ON jeans. They don't fit right, shrink funny, and are not long enough. My current faves are ANA brand from JCP.

Patty Cakes said...

I am AMAZED at how many pictures you have of your behind. (Or previous lack thereof.)
I hope Reebok is paying you for use of your booty.
It's hot!

P.S. Word Verification= toeness.
I think that should be a real word.

Nat said...

Yeah, how come you have so many butt pictures? Is Ben a butt man or something?

Mom also has a flat bottom.

I also don't like Old Navy jeans. I have to go up, like, 4 sizes to get them to fit right, and like Arin said, they aren't long enough. And I used to love Gap jeans, until this last purchase-WAY too long, and...thin. This is Idaho, not Texas-our jeans need to be thicker! And I think they were so long so you could wear high heels with them. Again, Gap, know your audience-IDAHO. We're in snow boots half the year. Sheesh.

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